In Response

I’m not a divorcee after a 16-year marriage, (not that I hope to ever be one! Na’udzubillah min dzalik), hell, I’m not even married to begin with. But I suppose there’s no harm adding my 2 cents’ worth of response to this post: http://jamesrusselllingerfelt.wordpress.com/2013/08/15/beautiful-advice-from-a-divorced-man-after-16-years-of-marriage/

Some of which I have discovered while being in this 9-year relationship, looking at our progress and transformation from hormonal teenagers to growing adults, some I have learnt by observing married couples and also failed marriages around me. They are listed in no particular order, and are simply things I’ve picked up along the way. I’m only doing this because I feel like it, and I am humbly aware that I’m still on a learning process that will only continue as long as I live as change is but a constant. Some are an overlap of what the original post contained, but I added my own perspective as well. My perspective is applicable to both genders in general, so I’m not gonna stereotype any.

1. Always Be Grateful – the glass is always half full and sometimes, the grass is greener on your side. I always believe that in life, we’re always in the middle, and there is no point in looking at what you lack in life and love, as there’ll always be someone else who has less. Appreciate the life and love that you have, reflect on the positivity it has brought you, and be contented.

2. Comparing Is Bitter – No one likes to be compared to others, and likewise for your spouse. It’s demoralizing to always put your spouse on the wall of shame and putting the glory on another’s spouse. No matter how happy and in love other couples may be in your eyes, we’re always on the outside and we’ll never know what really goes on behind closed doors. Always remember that comparison is the thief of joy.

3. Revenge Isn’t Sweet – Yes, maybe he or she has done something that has hurt you, something that scars you for life. But if you continue to stay with your spouse, only with the intention to let them ‘have a taste of their own medicine’, then you’re not in love, and you’re nowhere near saving the marriage or relationship. It’s either you forgive, (though forgetting it is a whole different story) or you don’t. Forgiving is easier said than done, that we all know. But it’s a healing process that takes time. And if after a while, it doesn’t seem doable, then I suppose one can question the direction the relationship is taking.

4. Communication Is Key – Not all of us are good listeners. Or good speakers for that matter. But in your best way possible, partners should always communicate freely and openly with each other, so that feelings, thoughts and opinions are made known. By that, I don’t mean launch an attack, and neither should you think the other party is armed and all ready to bring you down either. Have a healthy ‘argument’ and discuss, don’t fight. Maybe a little tears and some anger might surface when both are voicing out opinions, but make sure it’s all good when the conversation ends. Some people find it very difficult to convey and express their thoughts and emotions, so do appreciate it if your partner is of that sort yet takes the effort to communicate.

5. Love The Person You Marry – There is a saying that goes, “Love the person you marry, not marry the person you love,” and I couldn’t agree more. Change is constant. The life partner you married or intend to marry will not stay the same 12 years from now, and neither will you. Physical, emotional, mental changes will take place and it is absolutely normal. Therefore, one should either take the changes positively and embrace the everchanging person just like exploring a newly discovered place, or shun the person that your partner is evolving into. Of course, this is subjective. No one should love a partner who has become an alcoholic, or one that has picked up a bad habit. It is then our role as partners to guide them off the strayed path, as much as we can possibly do so.

6. Beauty From Within – Many people say that’s bullshit. No one wants to love a fat wife. An ugly husband. But I have seen successful marriages blossom despite their partner’s physical inequalities, and I have seen marriages fail despite having spouses who have ‘got the looks’. Face it. Your partner will eventually have lines on their faces, scars and marks from childbirth, maybe a bulge here, less hair, saggy stuff in the many years to come, but if you genuinely love him or her for the person they are and for the joy they have brought into your life all these while, do those physically natural flaws really matter? You don’t wake up pretty or dandy every single day of your life either, do you?

7. Love Is All Around – Stop, pause, and look around. Sometimes you see happy couples, happy children, happy families, friends in great company. Take in the positivity, and channel it to your own relationship. Be happy for the happiness of others, absorb all the good vibes and it’ll come back to you full circle. Stop trying to compete, to see who has a happier marriage, a better life, a better family, you’ll only lose out in the end.

8. Love Thyself – Never cast aside your self-respect, self-worth and dignity. You might wanna save the relationship, but it takes too hands to clap. You can’t be doing it all by yourself. Love yourself a little more, be confident and appreciate yourself. Don’t be too dependent on others. You may be surprised, sometimes, this self-loving might just change things. Some partners, like to see their spouses being a little more independent and confident.

9. Have Faith – Believe. In yourself, in your partner, in life, in love and in the Almighty (if you’re not an atheist). The power of a prayer, the power of belief, the power of faith can work wonders. Ask and seek guidance, and god willing, you will be guided.

10. Man Up – And by that, I mean be responsible for the mistakes you made. Share what worries you, what your fears are. No point in denying and coming up with excuses for your wrong moves, There’s always room for mistakes in life, as long as you don’t take it for granted.

11. Same Same But Different – Appreciate and enjoy both the similarities and differences that you and your partner may have. Sometimes the differences are what fills the gap, and it’s really no fun to love a carbon copy of yourself. Go easy on each other. Always remember that it takes a variety of spices and condiments to make a dish taste good, and the same goes for your life and relationship. Likewise, what may seem like a small issue to you, may be a big deal to your partner. Just because you’re together and share many things in common, it doesn’t mean that the both of you think and feel the exact same way.

12. Zoom + Adjust Focus – It’s the little things that matter. Maybe you remember she likes her cheeseburger with extra pickles, or how he has this thing against coffee served in plastic cups. Pleasing your partner isn’t always about the big, fancy schmancy hoo haa. It’s normally the itty-bitty details that make the difference. Stop, zoom in and do the simple things that make the both of you happy.

13. The Joy Of Giving.. And Receiving – Most people realised that if they give and love selflessly and sincerely, their partners will reciprocate. And maybe the issue lies with us. Maybe we’ve overlooked how our partners have given and we’ve failed to appreciate it. So maybe it’s time to give.. and receive.

14. Reflect – We’re only human. And we humans tend to act impulsively, especially when the heart and mind isn’t in the right state. There are times we do something that we know that would upset the partner, but we do it anyway, just because. And that’s not very nice. Don’t do unto others, what you would not like to be done unto you. Simple. It also helps, every once in a while, to look back on how far along the both of you have come, that first date, first conversation, reasons that made him/her steal your heart in the first place, no matter how many years ago that was..

15, Be Open and Honest – Don’t keep it in, and don’t hide the unnecessary and make room for mistrust and suspicion. I mean, if you’re not in the wrong, there’s no reason to be afraid, right? And if you have your reasons on why you’re doing what you’re about to do, there’ no harm presenting it to your partner should he/she disagree or voice their concerns. But unless you’re planning a kickass birthday or anniversary party for him, then that’s a different story. Haha

16. Your Partner’s Human – And not a property. I know it’s biased, but I don’t really like calling someone your property. A person’s person and calling someone your property just dehumanizes them altogether. Owning a property means you can do pretty much whatever you want to that person and that ain’t right.

17. Higher Interest Rates – Once upon a time you were so keen to hear whatever your partner had to say, to get to know them better, despite them having different interests from yours. And during courtship they were probably just as interested in you too. Is it still the same now? Do a self-check and see if you’ve been just as interested to hear him share about his fave soccer team now as you were back then, and if he now bothers to hear you rave about the new hair salon down the street.
You should never stop taking interest in your partner. Yes, what they like may not be what tickles your fancy, but that’s the whole point. Showing interest indicates that they’re important and special enough for you to cast your dislikes or disinterest aside to actually listen to them.

18. Real Love Works – Ultimately, bear in mind that real love works. I’m not asking to give up, or let go, but sometimes, under certain circumstances, it is the right choice, the only option. Everything happens for a reason, and maybe that someone was put in your life to create an impact, and vice versa.

This is all I can think of at the moment, and I know it’s hardly anything concrete and solid. Feel free to give your opinions. Like I said, I still have a long way to go and these are just bite-sized pieces I’ve picked up along the way. It was fun doing this anyway. :)